I love to read. Ok, let me rephrase. I am a reading addict! I’ll admit it. Getting swept up in a story is my ideal way of spending my free time. I prefer to get lost in a love story, but I’ve noticed here lately that books that have any sort of romance have got it all backwards. Instead of dating, ring, vows, then the hot passion the books are showing characters in the heat of passion and then later figuring out what they should do. Do we date? Are we in a relationship? Do I mean more than a one night stand? Or was I just a piece of booty for your collection? And the very dismal part of this whole scenario is that this reflects our current society. It’s all backwards.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and preach a lesson I didn’t understand until after marriage. Nor am I going to toot a hypocritical horn. Quite frankly, I often feel these female characters emotions of giving away more than I bargained because I wasn’t thinking clearly. I remember the battles of my wants and my morals. I remember the nights of heat and the mornings of guilt, knowing that I meant the same to that man than what he meant to me: nothing. So I often found myself feeling empty, desiring to feel depth instead of shallow wants. And I didn’t fully understand the principle of waiting until I married my heart’s song, Bobby. I didn’t understand that I would feel jealousy of the women who got to experience him before me. I didn’t understand that I would feel inadequate and would question my appeal as a woman. I worried that I wasn’t what he needed or wanted. Perhaps I reminded him of a former. All these questions, worries and insecurities affected our relationship. He was constantly reassuring me, but for every encouraging word another doubt came my way. Due to my doubt in him and his love, I felt insecure in a relationship that should have been my most secure.
So when did it all change? When did I stop doubting and start accepting his love? When I stopped doubting God’s forgiveness for my past mistakes. When I started accepting God’s grace. When Bobby and I started to let God in our relationship instead of thinking we could make this work on our own. I finally understand why our Heavenly Father wanted us to wait for each other. Not because He is an unreasonable god. Instead I realized it was to protect me, his daughter, from being broken at the hands of men who didn’t understand my value.
We all make mistakes. We fall short of the glory of God, but oh sweet amazing grace! His grace is sufficient for all my mistakes and errors. And I am ready to start seeing books on the market that have some screwed up characters, real people who suffer real heartbreak, find God’s mercy and grace through it all.